That feels so good! It feels good to be smiling inside and outside. I've got a lot that still needs healing and attention... emotionally, spiritually, financially, as a parent, and as a man.
Here's the thing. Last week, I was at a function where there were friends who knew me before my recent divorce. For most of them, though, this was the first time since then. It was kind of funny the way people would light up and say, "Oh! Hi Greg!" ...Then, I could tell when it hit them as we closed for a warm handshake or a hug ("oh yes, Greg is divorced now") and their faces would suddenly change to a more somber, sympathetic look. "How are you doing, Greg? How are the boys?"
I would assure each of them that, as hard as it was, I am grateful for the partnership I have with my ex-wife, grateful for our sons, grateful that things are not contentious, grateful for my new congregation, etc. ...AND I very much appreciated their compassion. I really did!
That experience last week solidified something in me that I want to share with you. You see, I could look at those 21 years with my ex-wife as a complete waste, destroyed by its dissolution. But that is not an accurate view. I was married to a smart, beautiful woman. We traveled, had great experiences, talked and supported, loved and encouraged. We adopted two amazing boys. I was pastor of two, and now three, congregations full of the most wonderful, challenging, supportive, idiosyncratic, solid and odd people! Those experiences, that marriage, these relationships, and all this love was and is real. It happened. It is all "gift".
I could look at our marriage therapy and all our work trying to keep our marriage together as a waste of time and an utter failure. Taking that position would probably make it so. Instead, by struggling through it, I know that I come away with a healthier sense of boundaries, the need to balance my insecurity and repressed anxiety with risk taking and my spontaneity, work life with family life. I have a healthier acceptance of my own sexuality, its desires, limits and allowances. Even though our counseling did not, finally, "succeed" in keeping us married, because of our struggle and by holding onto the best of it, I believe this has taught and matured me more than any other experience in my life.
I choose to see the abundance of all of this, instead of focusing on the scarcity of what I have lost and had to give up. Yes, my path has changed...dramatically. No, I will not be the dream husband to my ex-wife that I meant to be. However, I can strive and ask my friends' and God's help to be a great ex-husband, friend, and co-parent.
Beyond that, don't you think: since I have experienced love, a woman's passion, laughter, relationships, learning, etc. in my past, that there is still more ahead... especially when my arms are open to it? Who knows what and who might lie ahead?
The path to ongoing joy, the way to "taste and see that the Lord is good," includes, not just the good experiences, but also the redemption of the past. Redemption does not necessarily heal all wounds; it does not make everything "okay," and it does not justify the worst things that happen. But redemption is the very real truth that--out of even the worst--great things, events, people, experiences, heroes, inspiration, art, learning, and hope all arise.
For a time, I was utterly crushed, and tempted to throw everything, ...everything, away. That is a feeling I have visited a number of times in my life, and several times after. What I see, think, and feel in those moments is a warped and false half-truth. As a person of faith, I hold that--even if the next moment might kill me--good comes.
Even now, though, I can expect, hope and even plan an ever-changing bucket list of new experiences.
So: the song!! Listen to the link above, or this live version of Glitter in the Air (Pink's beautiful performance of the song at the 2010 GRAMMYs.) If the lyrics would help you, here: Google them.
You could interpret this as a song solely about past experiences and lost chances.
...OR, you might hear it the way I am hearing it. It describes past experiences, sure, but also present and future opportunities!
What would your bucket-list be... not for yourself, but for you with your loves, your family and friends, and strangers you have not yet met?
Have you ever? What would you add? Will you?
As a side note: If I were to answer each of her questions in the song's lyrics it would be:
Yes, Yes, No, Yes.
chorus (Yes.)
Yes, Yes, No.
chorus
bridge
Yes, No, Yes.
