One of my birthday gifts was a nice tape measure from Pauline's folks. I should've known better, but I let the boys play with it, warning them every once in a while, "Hey boys, don't yank on it like that; you'll break it off. It's not a toy. Be careful, boys, it can pinch or cut when it snaps shut... etc." I let them play anyhow, because it was keeping them occupied while I was doing a little extra work and answering emails.
Well, sure enough, ten minutes later, the tape came apart from the base. After that, I admit, I acted like a sulky eight-year-old for at least the next hour and a half. I didn't yell, but I said some pretty mean sarcastic things.
Meanwhile, I took the case apart to see if I could fix it. For some reason I always struggle with things that include spring tension. This was no different; sure enough, I'd wind it the wrong way and the tape would feed out instead of pulling in, or the spring would snap into a position where I couldn't thread it onto the holding clip, and I finally threw some pieces down on the floor in frustration, and tossed the rest in the garbage.
It was time to put the boys to bed, and still I was short, cold and harsh. By then, I was simply taking out my own frustration on them. In spite of their apologies, and because they wanted to move on with their lives, they didn't seemed quite sorry enough for my taste.
I went back downstairs to read a bit for an upcoming small group study, and read this:
"Jesus' Father is nearby, holy, powerful, caring, forgiving, and our protector. These attributes provide strong images of who God is and what fatherhood means... We...have a way to measure what true parenthood ought to be. A good parent, be it father or mother, ought to possess these six characteristics.
"As a father, I try hard, but often fail, to reflect each of those six characteristics. I am near to my children, but sometimes I am distant, preferring to read the newspaper than play with them. And my work sometimes takes me far away... I also try to be good and pure, but I fail miserably at times, snapping at them for minor infractions and being petty and selfish. I try to be strong for my kids, but sometimes I am scared and confused, just as they are. I do a decent job of providing for them, but sometimes I provide too much and spoil them. I forgive them, but I catch myself bringing up their past mistakes. And I try to protect them, but I am woefully aware that I cannot protect them from all enemies that lurk about" (The Good and Beautiful God, by James Bryan Smith, ch. 3 "God Is Trustworthy").
oops. I put the book down. And suddenly it came to me. I was winding the tape measure's spring (the wrong way, even). The spring is meant to be at rest in its case; it self-tensions only as its pulled out to do its job. So, I picked up the pieces from the floor, dug the other pieces out from the garbage, released all the unnecessary tension from the spring, and after a few minutes, had it working good as new.
Nothing felt better than to go back upstairs, tape in hand, to show first the youngest, "Look, it works fine. And, Trevan, Daddy is sorry for being so cranky. You are a good boy. I love you. Good night." Unfortunately, the older son, Mac, was already asleep, and I could only kiss his forhead, feel a bit guilty for the little furrow on his brow, and wait until morning for his nonchalant, "That's okay, Dad. Can I have a shake for breakfast?"
Wow. I pray for better perspective and awareness. I was tight and springloaded, and it had very little to do with the tape measure. Why was I doing work in the first place (on my day off, no less) instead of playing with them? Why didn't I redirect them to a more appropriate toy? Why didn't I set the tape measure down long before working myself into a little tantrum? Why didn't I hear and accept their apology from the first? etc. Really, it was like there were three adolescents, not two, and I was playing the part of the grumpy older brother, not a Dad.
Adulthood... too often it is a lot like tall gradeschool! I pray that I can be more aware of my catch points and stop, unwind my spring, and remember that it is so much more important to model and teach my boys how not to lash out with hollering or sarcasm, but instead calm firm explanations, reasonable consequences, and lots of forgiveness.
And this applies outside parenthood to general life, I'm sure!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
A Man among Men and Women
Well, I'm not sure where to take today's post. I just had a great discussion with some of the area pastors about men/maleness and the church. It's a semi-mixed, somewhat "conservative" group of pastors that get together once a month. All of them are men, by the way. We had read an article that talked about the lack of male role models in our society, including church, and the possible need for the church to "man up."
A couple pastors were emphatic about how the Bible is clear that men are called to be the spiritual leaders in their households and in the church. Another two agreed that those gifted in faith and leadership are called to be the leaders, regardless of their gender. These were the comments I expected, and I was glad that we were willing to listen to and then to challenge each other.
As each pastor chimed in, we also talked about the homes in which we grew up; was there a father-figure or male mentor there to teach us what it meant to be a "man"? Someone said that he was finding that two questions were coming out: 1) What does it mean to "be a man," and 2) What does it mean to be a "man of God"?
He went on to say that the first question seems too ambiguous, culturally, socially and personally. Does being a man mean to be the bread-winning tough guy, or the emotionally-absent disciplinarian, or the stern, physically aloof guy, or the fun-loving, risk-taking, beer-drinking brawler, or the... oh it just goes on, doesn't it? But being a "man of God" seemed more clear to that pastor. He said it was about being a disciple. ...okay? As opposed to being a "woman of God"? "child of God"?
There are different tendencies among men and women, boys and girls, and I appreciate those differences. Adaptation, genes, chemicals, culture, upbringing and personal experiences all play into that. These gender-related tendencies carry strengths and weaknesses as we live in society and in relationship with each other. Fine, cool. It's so important to allow the grace of God to free us from these specific gender-defined expectations to love him and those around us with all the gifts, abilities, strengths, and even the weaknesses that each of us carry as individuals--genetics and gender included.
If there is a specific struggle in relationships and spirituality that is too prevalent among men--but not exclusively among men--it is maturity and being willing to change or adapt our behavior for the sake of our neighbor (including those nearest neighbors, such as family). We seem to have a greater tendency to expect people to love or accept us "for who we are, the way we are," and if not then, "to h*** with you!" In exchange, we tend to want to love others through the ways we're most comfortable, i.e. providing a paycheck, mowing the yard, providing order, etc. "If that isn't good enough for you, then, to h*** with you!"
Well, that's immature. Some of the things others ask of us may be a little out of our comfort zone: "Listen to me. No, really listen and ask me a question or two, as if you're interested in what I'm thinking or going through for a few minutes." or "Take me out on a date once a month." Most of these things aren't that hard to do, and if it helps a wife or a child feel safe, loved, comforted, or supported? Then: why the h*** not?! You want respect? Then, take responsibility for breaking the cycle that says, "I'll show more love when she/they start showing me more respect."
But too often some men have so far checked out of their relationships, they aren't sure they want to save whatever they're in the process of losing. They seem to run under the illusion that "it"--their youth, the right match, or their freedom/adventurous life, or whatever--is still out there. Indecision sets in, and they keep their options open, without committing, until it's too late. Really, the best love and the best relationship is probably going to be the one you lose or save...while there's time.
And you're not going to be able to do it alone. It will take honesty and teamwork and a true, growing desire to become that aging man with the people and family you already have. If there's a "manly" bit of advice to give, it would be the same for men or women in the same situation: grow up, and out of yourself. Take responsibility and be willing to give and receive a bit of attention and love on their terms, and they will likely be more willing to do the same for you.
Writers, artists and composers may be defiantly and stubbornly "true to themselves" and expect others to exert the energy to understand them. As a result, they usually have an audience of one who gets what they're trying to express. And for some art, it may be fine to leave it up to individual interpretation. But if you want others to understand how you think or feel, it's your responsibility to put it in receivable, understandable terms, their terms and yours.
Get help. Find another man or two and be willing to risk being honest with him/them about what you're going through, what you're afraid to lose, what you hope to hold onto, etc.
Go to a counselor. No, they can't save things for you. Don't expect that. But a counselor can get you to be more reflective, and help you say things out loud.
This advice would be no different for women in the same circumstance.
Back to the meeting. Another thing bothers me. This pressure to be more "manly" pushes me back to my junior high and high school days as a skinny and kinda nerdy kid. I wasn't "manly" enough then, and it has taken me a long time to become comfortable with who I am with all my more and less "manly" qualities. I am glad for and put my less "manly" strengths to work helping others, loving my wife and children. I hope I am a much more mature and fulfilled man because of it.
It's interesting that "man up" and "manly" are used in such a positive, strength-building-take-responsibility ways, where "woman-up" and "womanish" would be necessarily diminutive and weak. Even women--when they're telling someone to be brave--will jokingly say, "Grow some balls!" As if men's gonads--one of the most vulnerable places on our bodies--really make us tough or brave. And have you ever heard someone telling a friend that they need to be more nurturing by saying: "C'mon, dude, grow some breasts"? I fully admit: I'd take offense.
I am a product of my society and so I do use these words, too. In context, when I tell someone to "be a man," I'm telling him to stop playing to the stereo-typical weaknesses of our gender, to take responsibility for both the mistakes and the future the direction of his life, from this point forward to do what it takes to be more fully who God made and calls him to be. It's the same as "Grow up, dude!" Perhaps that's a better way to put it?
"Be a Man" was a song in the Disney movie, Mulan, with one of the so-called Disney princesses. Mulan doesn't fit well next to Cinderella or Snow White. She seeks to fulfill her family's duty to produce a warrior by dressing as a male recruit in order to help save her people. If "be a man" in this context is about growing up, then she achieves it when she is finally exposed as a woman, but takes her place as an effective warrior. The song (full of irony) was also singing about her "prince" and family. They finally reach their strength, their maturity, when they accept her as a warrior-woman and a leader equal to the task, because of her specific abilities, gifts and accomplishments, some acquired and trained, others innate, and some gender-specific.
However, she did not become a man, or a woman doing "man's work." She was doing her work, and following her calling. She became a more mature woman, fulfilling her path and responsibility based on her gifts and the her neighbors' need. Just the same, in becoming less rigid, the others did not become women. The whole community became stronger, more mature, and were able, then, to defeat darkness... together.
We have been freed from the burden of the law. God loves us and will use all of our strengths to love, help, lift up, and strengthen others. There are things worth saying to men and women, like taking responsibility for your faith-life and relationships. As I said in a sermon some time ago, men don't get to show up at the throne of God and sheepishly say, "uh...I'm with her."
There are many discussions--likewise--that are not helpful, like debating how manly, how weak or tough, loving or confrontational Jesus was because of his "manliness." Jesus was a man who used all his gifts, skills, ears, words and limbs to confront evil powers and to assure souls about God's love for them. He hugged children and he overturned tables. He was amazingly gracious and relational; he was powerfully confrontive and firm when he needed to be and with whom he needed to be.
We are not called to waste energy and time suppressing "womanish" qualities in men, or ask women gifted in leadership to sublimate their gifts just because, "I'm the man" or the "bible says so." We are handicapping ourselves when we do that. We are called to receive all our personalities, gender qualities, and individual strengths as the gifts and tools given to each of us to use for honoring God and loving our neighbors.
A couple pastors were emphatic about how the Bible is clear that men are called to be the spiritual leaders in their households and in the church. Another two agreed that those gifted in faith and leadership are called to be the leaders, regardless of their gender. These were the comments I expected, and I was glad that we were willing to listen to and then to challenge each other.
As each pastor chimed in, we also talked about the homes in which we grew up; was there a father-figure or male mentor there to teach us what it meant to be a "man"? Someone said that he was finding that two questions were coming out: 1) What does it mean to "be a man," and 2) What does it mean to be a "man of God"?
He went on to say that the first question seems too ambiguous, culturally, socially and personally. Does being a man mean to be the bread-winning tough guy, or the emotionally-absent disciplinarian, or the stern, physically aloof guy, or the fun-loving, risk-taking, beer-drinking brawler, or the... oh it just goes on, doesn't it? But being a "man of God" seemed more clear to that pastor. He said it was about being a disciple. ...okay? As opposed to being a "woman of God"? "child of God"?
There are different tendencies among men and women, boys and girls, and I appreciate those differences. Adaptation, genes, chemicals, culture, upbringing and personal experiences all play into that. These gender-related tendencies carry strengths and weaknesses as we live in society and in relationship with each other. Fine, cool. It's so important to allow the grace of God to free us from these specific gender-defined expectations to love him and those around us with all the gifts, abilities, strengths, and even the weaknesses that each of us carry as individuals--genetics and gender included.
If there is a specific struggle in relationships and spirituality that is too prevalent among men--but not exclusively among men--it is maturity and being willing to change or adapt our behavior for the sake of our neighbor (including those nearest neighbors, such as family). We seem to have a greater tendency to expect people to love or accept us "for who we are, the way we are," and if not then, "to h*** with you!" In exchange, we tend to want to love others through the ways we're most comfortable, i.e. providing a paycheck, mowing the yard, providing order, etc. "If that isn't good enough for you, then, to h*** with you!"
Well, that's immature. Some of the things others ask of us may be a little out of our comfort zone: "Listen to me. No, really listen and ask me a question or two, as if you're interested in what I'm thinking or going through for a few minutes." or "Take me out on a date once a month." Most of these things aren't that hard to do, and if it helps a wife or a child feel safe, loved, comforted, or supported? Then: why the h*** not?! You want respect? Then, take responsibility for breaking the cycle that says, "I'll show more love when she/they start showing me more respect."
But too often some men have so far checked out of their relationships, they aren't sure they want to save whatever they're in the process of losing. They seem to run under the illusion that "it"--their youth, the right match, or their freedom/adventurous life, or whatever--is still out there. Indecision sets in, and they keep their options open, without committing, until it's too late. Really, the best love and the best relationship is probably going to be the one you lose or save...while there's time.
And you're not going to be able to do it alone. It will take honesty and teamwork and a true, growing desire to become that aging man with the people and family you already have. If there's a "manly" bit of advice to give, it would be the same for men or women in the same situation: grow up, and out of yourself. Take responsibility and be willing to give and receive a bit of attention and love on their terms, and they will likely be more willing to do the same for you.
Writers, artists and composers may be defiantly and stubbornly "true to themselves" and expect others to exert the energy to understand them. As a result, they usually have an audience of one who gets what they're trying to express. And for some art, it may be fine to leave it up to individual interpretation. But if you want others to understand how you think or feel, it's your responsibility to put it in receivable, understandable terms, their terms and yours.
Get help. Find another man or two and be willing to risk being honest with him/them about what you're going through, what you're afraid to lose, what you hope to hold onto, etc.
Go to a counselor. No, they can't save things for you. Don't expect that. But a counselor can get you to be more reflective, and help you say things out loud.
This advice would be no different for women in the same circumstance.
Back to the meeting. Another thing bothers me. This pressure to be more "manly" pushes me back to my junior high and high school days as a skinny and kinda nerdy kid. I wasn't "manly" enough then, and it has taken me a long time to become comfortable with who I am with all my more and less "manly" qualities. I am glad for and put my less "manly" strengths to work helping others, loving my wife and children. I hope I am a much more mature and fulfilled man because of it.
It's interesting that "man up" and "manly" are used in such a positive, strength-building-take-responsibility ways, where "woman-up" and "womanish" would be necessarily diminutive and weak. Even women--when they're telling someone to be brave--will jokingly say, "Grow some balls!" As if men's gonads--one of the most vulnerable places on our bodies--really make us tough or brave. And have you ever heard someone telling a friend that they need to be more nurturing by saying: "C'mon, dude, grow some breasts"? I fully admit: I'd take offense.
I am a product of my society and so I do use these words, too. In context, when I tell someone to "be a man," I'm telling him to stop playing to the stereo-typical weaknesses of our gender, to take responsibility for both the mistakes and the future the direction of his life, from this point forward to do what it takes to be more fully who God made and calls him to be. It's the same as "Grow up, dude!" Perhaps that's a better way to put it?
"Be a Man" was a song in the Disney movie, Mulan, with one of the so-called Disney princesses. Mulan doesn't fit well next to Cinderella or Snow White. She seeks to fulfill her family's duty to produce a warrior by dressing as a male recruit in order to help save her people. If "be a man" in this context is about growing up, then she achieves it when she is finally exposed as a woman, but takes her place as an effective warrior. The song (full of irony) was also singing about her "prince" and family. They finally reach their strength, their maturity, when they accept her as a warrior-woman and a leader equal to the task, because of her specific abilities, gifts and accomplishments, some acquired and trained, others innate, and some gender-specific.
However, she did not become a man, or a woman doing "man's work." She was doing her work, and following her calling. She became a more mature woman, fulfilling her path and responsibility based on her gifts and the her neighbors' need. Just the same, in becoming less rigid, the others did not become women. The whole community became stronger, more mature, and were able, then, to defeat darkness... together.
We have been freed from the burden of the law. God loves us and will use all of our strengths to love, help, lift up, and strengthen others. There are things worth saying to men and women, like taking responsibility for your faith-life and relationships. As I said in a sermon some time ago, men don't get to show up at the throne of God and sheepishly say, "uh...I'm with her."
There are many discussions--likewise--that are not helpful, like debating how manly, how weak or tough, loving or confrontational Jesus was because of his "manliness." Jesus was a man who used all his gifts, skills, ears, words and limbs to confront evil powers and to assure souls about God's love for them. He hugged children and he overturned tables. He was amazingly gracious and relational; he was powerfully confrontive and firm when he needed to be and with whom he needed to be.
We are not called to waste energy and time suppressing "womanish" qualities in men, or ask women gifted in leadership to sublimate their gifts just because, "I'm the man" or the "bible says so." We are handicapping ourselves when we do that. We are called to receive all our personalities, gender qualities, and individual strengths as the gifts and tools given to each of us to use for honoring God and loving our neighbors.
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