Well, sad how old habits can pounce back on me. And they have. I meant this blogsite to be more than just a place to post last Sunday's message manuscript. My original intent was to use it to be more reflective: chewing on God's Word and my faith, savoring and tasting them and the life he's given to me. That's more in line with the goal and title: O taste and see that the Lord is good!
Time to replace old bad habits by focusing more on good internal spiritual dialog. Habits tend to pass (waste) time with external stimulation. They work from the outside in. They cause us to conform to this world. Spiritual practices develop internal values, a dialog (with God) and a process (or pathway) that will work their way to the outside, but that is not the goal. The "goal" is the process, the journey, and the dialog.
I was reading from Paul to my Thursday Bible Study class (Rom. 7:15,18,&24), and it felt especially autobiographical: "I do not understand my own behavior; I do not act as I mean to, but I do the things that I hate...though the will to do what is good is in me, the power to do it is not... Where I want to do nothing but good, evil is close at my side... Wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God, through our Lord Jesus Christ!"
And this Sunday, I am faced with Jesus' Beatitudes from the Sermon on the Mount (Matt. 5:1-12). Put me beside any of these blessed attitudes, and I fall short on every single one of them. Do I then fall outside of God's blessings, his kingdom and all hope? Well, yes, if it's about achievement, or adopting them as new external "good" habits.
What has helped me was first to remember that letting these break me down, brings me to honesty before God. If my relationship will be healed, it must begin there. I haven't measured up; I can't. That is the start of being more "poor in spirit," and his promise is to look up and be blessed; the kingdom's already here.
Second, rather than trying to become more merciful, more pure, more of a peace-bringer, I can do what Jesus did and start blessing others who have shown mercy to me or to others, bless those who are good listeners (the meek), or those who have and do stand up for the faith. As I begin to medidate on this, thanking God and blessing them, I will also be internalizing and allowing these values to grow and mature in me. Hopefully, as I do, they will eventually work out into action, but the goal is not the product, but the process, the conversation.
And, third, important to note, if I am taking time to reflect and internalize these deeper values, I am probably not wasting so much time on bad external habits!
Funny, what really set me to reflecting this evening was a book suggested to me about improving my jogging form and avoiding injuries. The premise in the book is that I don't need to merely stop bad habits, but to change my thoughts about the purpose of running, and the motion of running. The purpose is not goal achievement, but merely to run (the journey) and allow learning a new way of running to be the goal: discovering a new way. The motion of running does not begin by working the extremities, the legs and arms, but it begins from the center and aligning both the core values and the postition of the body to move from the inside out.
Well, as I did in running, I am seeking help in my faith walk. I will start seeing my spiritual director once again. And hopefully, returning this blog back into a more reflective journal will help keep me thinking, and more accountable. The painting and the running has also helped; they help me focus, think and reflect.
Pray for me, if you read this. Pray for me, Jesus.
